Becoming a full cup on your own..

A healthy relationship involves being a full cup on your own, and looking for another to add to what is already complete. It is only when we truly know, love, respect, and value ourselves that we can give ourselves fully to a romantic partner--if not we end up either being dependent, avoidant, or some other unhealthy way of relating.

Who we become in relationships, is highly linked to how secure or insecure we felt growing up with our parents/parental guardians. Bowlby and Ainsworth coined the attachment styles, which are secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. These influence us, but we are not doomed to be in bad relationships if we didn't have 'good enough' parents. You just have to relearn how to attach in a healthy manner. The goal is to have a secure attachment, where you are satisfied in your relationships. You had a secure base (parent/guardian) that let you know you can trust and go out and explore the world. This results in feeling secure and connected with your partner, while allowing one another to be independent beings.

If you didn't have a secure base, you can still make one for yourself. Sometimes you can use the relationship with yourself to become your secure base. Love and respect yourself and understand that you deserve to have another treat you the same way.

The following are the three other attachment styles that result when your needs are not met when you are learning to trust the world:

Anxious-preoccupied styles are classified by wanting to be rescued or completed by another. They seek security by clinging tightly to partners, but also take actions that push their partner away. They are so scared of being left alone, that they act in anxious, clingy ways that result in them being left alone.

The dismissive-avoidant tends to emotionally distance themselves from partners. They like to be isolated, and want to take care of themselves. They are their own hero, but at the expense of close connections with others, which in the long run is not healthy. They can shut down and avoid situations that they are not comfortable with.

Fearful-avoidants are constantly ambivalent--they are afraid to get too close, and afraid to be too distant---so they don't really know how to get their needs met by others. They may try to keep feelings under control, but end up overwhelmed and unsure how to manage their emotions.

Understanding your attachment style helps you to know your role in relationships. Look at which style sounds like you, and then be aware of that. Assess your relationships, and see how you attach. For help with this, seeking the help of a therapist can guide you towards having a more secure view of yourself, as well as more secure attachments in your various relationships. I have worked with many individuals to assess how their ability to attach influences them, and to work towards feeling more confident and secure in themselves.

Healthy boundaries are 100% necessary if you want to feel fulfilled and satisfied in your relationship. Healthy boundaries are personalized to each individual, but it involves a degree of being yourself while being in a relationship. It is most healthy to have an honest, open, equal relationship, where each partner feels independent yet loving towards one another. You are allowed to trust in the other that they will help you meet your needs, you are allowed to vulnerable, but it is not healthy to think you would have no reason to live if they were to leave.

Breakups are terrible occurrences, especially when you have been with someone for many years (you build a life together filled with joint friends, regular spots where you hang out, mutual goals, etc), but you can get through it if you always remember who you are as a person and that you still are you when the one you love leaves.

You deserve to feel whole, to feel satisfied in your relationships, and to live your healthiest life. You can get to a place where you can know yourself so well, and be able to choose who matches with your wants/needs/personality and who can contribute positively to your life.