Dealing with the guilt monster..

So many times (or most times actually) we get directly in the way of our own happiness. One of the means by which we do that is by engaging in unwarranted guilt, or shameful thinking patterns. Guilt can be one of the ugliest emotions if used incorrectly. It also can shape shift and turn into shame. I wanted to write this article because I know I have been definitely spent a lot of time torturing myself with guilt over this thing or that thing, and I want to try to save others the time that I wasted.

Guilt is defined as "the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime." While shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior." So guilt can turn to shame when you take something you did and make yourself feel like you're an awful person because of it. So you stole a candy bar when you were 10, and made yourself feel like you can't be trusted ever since. That's a silly example because the guilt and shame the average person experiences can be tied to really messed up things that they did, but it's all the same because you take an event and then create a whole distorted image of yourself about it and place yourself in your own jail for an unforeseeable amount of time.

You need to forgive yourself, forgive others, forgive everything. Forgive for you, not to say that what happened was okay or justified, but to let go of resentment and pain. If you were such a bad person you wouldn't feel so guilty about all of this. Bad people (or antisocial personalities rather) don't feel guilty. It's chemically engrained in a bad person to not be capable of feeling guilt, so if you do you cannot be bad (disclaimer, I can not state that this a scientific fact).

Sometimes we drive ourselves to madness over something we didn't actually do--this is unwarranted guilt. If you're a parent you probably do this 10 times a day, it's part of the job. We judge ourselves so harshly and become our own worst critic. We think over and over in our head "I shouldn't have said that", "I could have done more", blah blah. Well truth is you did say it, and if you could have done more don't you think you would have?? When it's unwarranted guilt we simply need to just cut it out. The minute the thought comes up redirect your attention elsewhere. Ground yourself (find 5 things in the room), be mindful (it is okay to feel this way, but do I really need to keep ruminating on it), and silence that thought.

So when we actually did something it's a little harder to talk yourself out of it. This would be warranted guilt. You can't say the thinking is irrational because it's actually based in reality. But the truth of the matter is whatever it is that we did is done, why do we need to continue torturing ourselves over it? When these shameful thoughts come into your head you need to break them down(what is actually the problem here?), challenge them(how rational is this way of thinking), and practice self-compassion("It's understandable, not excusable, why you did it--you don't need to judge yourself by the worst thing you've done", "yes I did that but I have made so many changes since then, that's not me anymore"). Not to say that you should excuse bad behavior, but you should realize the circumstances that led to that behavior and make a plan to never do it again. We sometimes (or again most times) learn the most from mistakes we've made--this should be no different. You did something crude and mean, vow to never again be that person and make active changes in your life--volunteer to help others, start a fund for something that matters to you, make the pain useful.

No matter if it's warranted or unwarranted guilt the only way to move forward is to face it head on. We can use guilt correctly/healthily by letting it motivate you to be better than you were before--do that, be the opposite of the person you are telling yourself you are. Let the comeback define you, not the rock bottom.

I will leave you with this quote, “Worrying is a waste of time—it doesn’t change anything, it just messes with your mind and steals your happiness.” The next time you want to beat yourself up, or let yourself become destroyed with your own thoughts I hope you are able to remember that you deserve better than that.