Ten tips on adolescent relationships...

Teenage years can be pretty tough. Adding in the stresses that may come along with relationships can make it even harder. There are countless studies that show that people who have healthy relationships have more happiness and less stress.

Are you facing relationship issues? If so, here are some tips to help you deal with them:

1. Avoid magnifying the negative. Sometimes it’s hard not to see the flaws of your partner. But when you are constantly pointing them out, and minimizing the positive things about them it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if you are always telling your partner that they are lazy it can make them not want to try to do things because they think you are going to call them lazy anyway—in turn becoming lazy and not doing things that you think they should do.

2. Avoid the words always and never. “You always are late when picking me up” and “You never take me out on dates.” This language discounts the times your partner does things that do make you happy. Even if you think the positive things only happen far and few between, focus on them. And if you do have to say something, try using statements such as “It upsets me when you are late, could you try leaving a couple of minutes early next time?”

3. Take your friends' advice with a grain of salt. You may trust your friends a lot and your friends may mean a lot to you. However, when it comes to relationships sometimes it’s best to trust your instincts. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, such as times when your friends may be seeing mistreatment by your partner that you may not be able to see. Basically it is always good to listen to your friends’ advice but not blindly. Take it in as pieces of information that you can use with what you already have learned about yourself and your relationship.

4. Try not to expect anything, but when you do, expect realistically. Expectations of others can be devastating, and this can be "downgraded" to disappointment if you use statements such as, “It would be nice if my partner bought me those new sneakers I’ve been wanting.”, instead of “She should buy me those sneakers because I am always driving her places.” Replacing should with it would be nice will be save you a lot of emotional distress.

5. Stay flexible. When you enter a relationship it’s very likely that you will not be able to get your way all the time. In a healthy relationship, both parties should be able to get their way as much as possible. It is very important to master the fine art of compromise: neither will get exactly what they want all the time, but both can get what they want a good part of the time. This requires flexibility, the ability to roll with the punches and finding pleasure in doing things that make the relationship happier.

6. Make sure you have “you time”. Relationships are exciting, especially when they are new. It is easy to get caught up in spending every single second together. This is healthy as long as you don’t feel that you are losing what makes you “you” in the process. Have a girls/boys night without your partner every once in a while. It’ll make the next time you see each other that much more special if you plan time to spend on yourself. Also if ("knock on wood") things don’t work out with your partner, your friends are more likely to be there for you—they won’t be upset--thinking that you just spent all these months avoiding them and now you come crawling back to them when he/she leaves.

7. Fight fair. Ask yourself why you feel upset before you begin any discussions or fights with your partner. When you think about your feelings before you engage in an argument, it’ll be easier to say what you want to say and allow your partner to understand your point of view. It is important to keep calm and take a deep breath before you dive head first into a fight. Fighting fair means not saying things that are hurtful to your partner, not screaming—which leaves room for the partner to hear what you’re saying and respond accordingly, and sticking to the behaviors rather than characteristics (for example “I didn't like when you cancelled our plans last minute.” rather than “You are so inconsiderate that you would ditch me last night.”)

8. “I” statements. As corny these statements may sound, they really do work. Begin your statements with “I feel/thought/etc” Using this allows you to take responsibility for your own emotions rather than place blame. Your partner will respond to this a lot better; it's harder for them to argue with what you’re saying you feel. So it can take the whole defensiveness reaction away and can lead to better communication and expression of feelings.

9. Focus on the problem, not the person. Let them know what is bothering you, and stay focused on the problem or issue, rather than making personal statements about their character. “You are such an idiot for flirting with my best friend” can be better phrased as “Yesterday, to me it looked like you were flirting with my best friend and it made me feel upset because I trust you and don’t want to think that.” This focuses on the action that upset you, rather than who they are as a person.

10. Just ask instead of assuming. Instead of wondering what your partner is feeling and trying to be a mind-reader, just ask them what they are thinking. You can create a whole drama in your head (for example, they didn't show up because they’re cheating, they hate me, they don’t think I’m pretty and won’t go out with me), when in reality your partner really couldn’t make it because he had a family emergency. If it’s a new relationship, this may be a little tough to do, but if you’ve been seeing each other for a while making sure you have open lines of communication (by following tips explained previously) can allow for you to be able to ask each other what’s going on. If you’re in a new relationship you can let them know that if there's a problem, you want to be there for them and help them. Ask them what’s wrong, and respect them if they are not ready to tell you, by saying “I’m here if you need me.”

These tips may be helpful to use in your relationships and could lead to happier and healthier communication between you and your partner. With these happier relationships in your life it can become much easier to be a happier individual.